Dear Liz: My daughter (51) blames me (74) almost daily for her financial problems. She says I didn’t teach her about money matters. I say she didn’t pay attention and made her own bad choices. She moved out more than 30 years ago and has had ample opportunities to learn.
Answer: You didn’t ask a question, but here’s one that might be appropriate. “Isn’t there a statute of limitations on blaming parents for your own money woes?”
Yes, there is, and it expired long ago. As long as she can blame you, though, your daughter can avoid the hard work of changing her behavior.
Childhood experiences can have a powerful impact on how we engage with money. Financial psychologist Dr. Brad Klontz uses the term “money scripts” to describe the ingrained beliefs we have about finances that were often learned from our parents. Understanding these scripts can be the key to challenging the ones that no longer serve us and choosing new ways of relating to money.
Instead, your daughter is choosing to challenge you, over and over. You respond defensively, and the argument just keeps going.
It may help to concede that you weren’t a perfect parent, because no one is. Perhaps you could have done a better job of teaching her, or set a better example. If your daughter has specific complaints about her upbringing, you can try listening to her and acknowledging her feelings, without accepting responsibility for the financial choices she’s made. If she’s open to accepting help, you could direct her to resources such as the Assn. for Financial Counseling & Planning Education at www.afcpe.org or the National Foundation for Credit Counseling at www.nfcc.org.
Otherwise, it’s time to end the debate. Continuing to argue about who’s to blame isn’t good for either of you. Let your daughter know that you love her and support her efforts to fix her finances, but you’re done talking about this. If she ignores your boundary, you can end the conversation.
You may find that she’s not the only one who has trouble changing her behavior. If that’s the case, consider talking to a therapist or joining a group such as Co-Dependents Anonymous. You can learn more at www.coda.org.