Q&A: Relative’s oversharing puts family at risk

Dear Liz: Your recent column on identity theft touched a nerve. My husband and I are very cautious about online security and don’t post details on social media that could be used in identity theft. But his mother constantly overshares, has no privacy filters on her accounts and ignores our requests to avoid posting our children’s names or our birthdays. Last week she posted “Happy 7th birthday to my beautiful granddaughter Bailey!” So now the world knows our daughter’s name and exact birth date. How can we get her to stop?

Answer: Older generations sometimes poke fun at younger generations for documenting every detail of their lives on social media. But many older folks ignore a basic rule of internet etiquette, which is that you shouldn’t post about others without their consent. Children, especially, need to be protected from exploitation by identity thieves, cyber bullies, sexual predators and data-mining tech companies. Your mother-in-law clearly doesn’t understand the hazard she’s creating, but her desire for attention does not outweigh your need for privacy or your right to protect yourselves and your children.

Now, first things first. Your mother-in-law may not understand how privacy settings work, so your husband could offer to help her set those up. That alone can help limit the damage she can inflict.

Next, consider having a face-to-face conversation with her where you and your husband calmly explain your concerns and repeat your request that she refrain from posting your private information. (Your husband may need to solo on this one if your relationship with her is contentious.) Focusing on her past mistakes could make her defensive, so consider framing this with “we” statements such as “We’ve made the decision to keep private details off the Internet to protect our children from predators and reduce our vulnerability to identity theft.”

Clearly explain the consequences if she ignores the request. You and her husband will need to discuss this beforehand, obviously, but the repercussions should be significant enough to communicate how important this is. With some grandparents, the idea of you no longer sending photos and details of the grandkids’ lives may be enough. With others, you may need to limit all contact.