She paid off her friends’ credit card bills, helped them catch up on their mortgages, even bought houses for two. Now some of those friends aren’t her friends any more.

By erasing years of obstacles, she also sometimes erased their dignity. Sometimes her over-giving, as she puts it, left her friends “feeling shamed and laid bare.”

“Sometimes, for instance, ‘lack of money’ hadn’t been a friend’s problem in the first place: Maybe her real problem had been lack of confidence or organization or motivation. Maybe by erasing her money problems, all I’d done was suddenly expose her other problems.”

The chances of you coming into a windfall big enough to buy houses for your friends and relatives may be, alas, pretty small. But Gilbert’s words help us remember that sometimes what we think is the problem really isn’t the problem. That can help us when we struggle with money in our own lives, or when we’re asked for a loan or a gift from someone who always seems financially underwater. Maybe money will help–but maybe not.

photo credit: mia3mom

Even during a recession, some family traditions never change:  Grandparents are still opening up their wallets to help their grandchildren.

About 63 percent of grandparents in a recent survey said that they have provided either financial assistance or monetary gifts to their grandchildren in the last five years.

That’s according to an online poll conducted in May of 1,077 adults over the age of 45 who have grandchildren under the age of 25, data from MetLife Mature Market Institute shows. (The institute is affiliated with New York-based MetLife Inc.)

However, much of that money comes without any advice: 68 percent said they aren’t providing any financial guidance to their grandchildren.

Not to be too harsh on our grandparents for their generosity, but it’s too bad they don’t share some of their life experiences with their grandkids.  Stern lectures aren’t necessary, but gentle conversations and sharing experiences can really help the younger generation.

Of the 32 percent who do advise their grandchildren, the most common suggestions have been to “start saving early in life” and “don’t get into too much debt.”

Other findings from the survey:

• Those who donated gave an average of $8,661 in the past five years or an estimated $370 billion in total support.
• Forty percent of that aid went toward general financial support, while 26 percent covered educational expenses and 21 percent of the money went toward major life events.
• As the economy took a dive, grandparents become more generous: 26 percent said they were providing more assistance than in the past.
• About 78 percent of grandparents regularly give small sums of money to their grandchildren, while only 22 percent plan to leave heirs a significant legacy, a new survey found.
• Cash is the favored method for helping out grandchildren (83 percent), but some grandparents also provided specific purchases such as a car, furniture, or a computer (33 percent). Less common gifts are savings bonds (17 percent), stocks or bonds (8 percent), and life insurance proceeds (5 percent).

It may seem obvious, but grandparents should make sure they can spare whatever money they’re giving their kin. Those on a tight budget should consider giving time or experiences rather than cash.

Those with more financial freedom should think about contributing to a 529 college savings plan for their grandchildren; it’s a good way to save for future education, and the giver stays in control of who gets the money, so you can switch the funds to another grandchild or even withdraw it, if you’re willing to pay a 10% penalty on any earnings.

Want to learn more about families and money? Read:

• The right way to loan money to family members
• Should you bail out spendthrift parents?
• Should parents bail out their kids?