Dear Liz: My friend is not good with money. He has always lived above his means. He lived in a fancy apartment, leases a BMW and goes out to eat often. To make matters worse, he lost his job a year ago and had to move in with a mutual friend. He continues to spend money he doesn’t have. I tried to help him with his finances and setting a budget, but he lost interest after one conversation. He’s 41 with no savings and more than $10,000 in credit card debt.
My question: Should I feel guilty about inviting him to things? When he was unemployed, I suggested doing things that don’t cost money, but he never seemed interested. I’m planning a trip for my 40th birthday and I’d like to invite him, but I don’t think he has the self-control to say, “No, I can’t go, I can’t afford it” because it will add $2,000 or more to his debt. How do you deal with someone when you’re more concerned with his financial well-being than he is?
Answer: You let go of the idea that you’re responsible for another person’s behavior.
Financial planners often encounter clients who, despite the planners’ best efforts, sail blissfully on toward economic disaster. And those clients paid for the advice that could save them. You’re not being paid. Your friend may not have even asked for your help. So you can stop offering it.
This will be hard for you. You understand how important it is to avoid credit card debt and save for the future. You may be thinking that if you could come up with the right words, you could persuade him to change his ways. Give up that fantasy, because he won’t change — if he ever does — one second before he’s ready.
There are a number of things you can do to prepare for that moment, if it ever comes. The first is to let go of any judgmental attitudes and feelings you might have about his situation. He may already feel a lot of shame about his circumstances. Even if he doesn’t, he’s unlikely to seek you out if he feels judged and blamed.
The next is to look for other resources that might help him, such as a financial counselor or coach. You can get referrals from the Assn. for Financial Counseling & Planning Education. He may find it easier to work with a professional than a friend.
Finally, resist the urge to offer opinions or observations about his situation. He knows you’re there to help if he ever wants it, so wait to be asked.
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